December 6 – The Club World Cup draw presentation yesterday in Miami was a very Latin American themed event with a sprinkling of Italians in the audience and Italian legend Alessandro Del Piero acting as master of ceremonies (co-conductor in FIFA-speak) – an elegant ringmaster on the football pitch but one who was a little wooden under this big top.
The circus headliners – though it might have been a cabaret given the shiny set, glistening cast – were the world’s two most important emperors whose performances reassured us that the world is in safe and (in)continent hands as they dribbled on about… each other.
The rest of the exclusive audience for this made-for-tv spectacular consisted of people who might have been in football but who are well versed in telling the emperors how beautiful they look in their new clothes.
The whole painful experience lasted a regulation 90 minutes with a bit of overtime because FIFA likes to milk every minute it can squeeze out of the game.
The booking agents will have doubtlessly thought they had pulled off a masterstroke with the recorded welcome address from Donald Trump – an interesting choice. For a football tournament that is being sold on its global inclusiveness, and worldly welcome, he wouldn’t be many people’s first choice as an opening act.
Of course Trump is himself born of immigrant roots (Scottish – perhaps he can get the old family colours out in 2026 if they qualify) and until recently in the US soccer was regarded as the sport predominantly played by immigrants in the country.
But never mind the overthinking of the political optics, the love-in between Trump and his best pal Johnny (real name Gianni but the TV subtitles followed Trump’s naming convention) was a ‘Wow’ moment.
We know this because Johnny told us it was a ‘Wow’ with poppy eyes and schoolboy excitement. So excited he twice pointed out it was the president of the United States people. We had sort of recognised him, and most knew he was the president elect, on the way to being president in January, though it seems Johnny’s pulling power has already installed him.
Trump’s address was, well, Trumpian in thought and insight.
“I will try and be there if I can, I would. We’ll see what happens [perhaps he could send another recording if he can’t make it]. But I just want to say you’re led by a man named Johnny (Gianni). I just know him as Johnny (Gianni) and he’s a winner and he’s the president, and I’m the president. And we’ve known each other a long time, and I’m so honored to have this kind of a relationship because soccer is going through the roof. As everybody knows, it’s been doing fantastically well…” said Trump.
Soccer might be going through the roof but FIFA likes to keep things in the family and Trump’s daughter Ivanka joined the presentation party to draw the first team, while Johnny oozed thanks and gratitude to her husband Jared Kushner for apparently having done something to make it all happen. Perhas he is the guy who invented this new game for the world.
Also on stage was Gloria Estefan, the Cuban-born singer. She owns a piece of NFL team Miami Dolphins. Had she walked into the wrong football event by mistake or was she there to sing the national anthem? It was never completely clear though insiders suggest she was actually there lobbying to ensure Cuba’s soccer team could get visas to get into the US for next year’s Concacaf Gold Cup, a perennial Gold Cup storyline alongside its follow up that a good chunk of the squad generally go missing when they get to the ‘land of the free’ that Estefan wasn’t singing about.
Europe and its 12 qualified teams, were generally conspicuous by the absence of big names from the biggest clubs in the world. Not even Real Madrid or Manchester City, the last two winners of the Club World Cup, had visible club or national representation, though they were both top-seeded in their groups. Instead they sent their club logos. Far more efficient, less chance of unwanted opinion to spoil the party, and will doubtless count towards FIFA’s commitment to reducing carbon emissions.
This was always planned as an entertainment show, with a bit of football thrown in, rather than a football show with a bit of entertainment. Perhaps not unlike how the Club World Cup is currently shaping up.
Football knows how to do football and often does it very well. What football doesn’t do so well is when it pretends to be general entertainment television and, like all such attempts, this draw stumbled along with a mix of painfully obvious commentary and awkward moments.
Arsene Wenger, who looked throughout the whole proceedings that he would rather be somewhere else, being encouraged to dance in the ‘other’ draw studio was a particularly cringe-ful moment.
For some peculiar and unexplained reason FIFA ran the draw across two Miami locations. Clearly FIFA is already too big for Miami.
Form the start when FIFA president Johnny Infantino took the stage wearing a dazzling pair of white training shoes that outshone his famously shiny coiffeur, it was a show that was big on sparkle but thin on meaningful content bar the drawing of club names.
There were of course a few special moments with the unveiling of what is a truly spectacular trophy (no joke it, it really is) being one. It is a trophy that Johnny (Gianni) has had his name engraved on (again no joke, but amusingly true and reflective of where we are right now with this emperor).
‘Damn right’, as the Americans say. Your ball, your tournament, your trophy – just don’t drop it Johnny.
“I want to say my highest regards in respect to Johnny (Gianni), and it’s an honor to be with you and we’ll be with you very soon. And we’re going to be watching the World Cup, very importantly, also very soon. And I was very responsible, along with Johnny (Gianni) in getting it. And it’s going to be a fantastic thing,” said a repetitious and effusive Trump.
Hang on, did Donald just say Johnny fixed the 2022 bidding process?
Heaven forbid FIFA would ever do such a ‘fantastic thing’.
Contact the writer of this story at moc.l1734896858labto1734896858ofdlr1734896858owedi1734896858sni@n1734896858osloh1734896858cin.l1734896858uap1734896858